You are listening to the Weight Loss for Successful Women Podcast with Shannan Christiansen, episode number 191. Welcome to Weight Loss for Successful Women, a podcast for women who are ready to break the diet cycle and end their struggle with weight for good. Here’s your host, fortune 100 executive, and certified life coach, Shannan Christiansen.

Hello love. So happy to be back with you. I know another episode another week. Yes, I’m here every Wednesday, whether you’re listening or you are watching me on YouTube. And we are approaching the end of May. I know it’s so crazy, right? I think this has to do with something about us living in the future and the past. If you think of little kids, time is so slow for them. It’s cuz they’re in the moment. And so I like to remind myself of that more, especially when I think that, you know, years are just flying by. I like to slow it down a little by just being right here, right now.

And I hope you’re just right now right here with me. Follow me. You can hit the star so every Wednesday I’m in your podcast library or I’m on your YouTube. And then also, if you would not mind doing a favor for me, if you could rate and review the show. If you’re listening on Apple, it just takes a minute. And if you could rate or review the show, it really does help it find other women.

So belonging, let’s get into the show ladies. So part of our human brain, the way that we are wired, remember so much of our brain, of course, was so that we could survive. And again, way back in, you know, our ancestors, and part of it was this sense of belonging. And so way back, our ancestors, because they didn’t live like we do today, they had to be a part of a tribe. If they were not part of a tribe, you know, if they were just out by themselves, they wouldn’t live very long. They needed to be part of a tribe so that they could get food and shelter and safety, right?

There was a lot of harm, animals, you know, all the things. They really needed to be part of a tribe. We are wired to belong. It is part of us. So we want to belong to a tribe. We are parts of lots of tribes. We have family tribes, we have friend tribes. Where we work tribes. We have different communities that we belong to that we are part of. So there are many tribes in our lives. And if you ever feel like you are going to be ousted from the tribe or you have this feeling that you don’t belong, you are gonna have serious urges to get back in. Your brain is gonna go into this very fearful frame of mind. And then you’re gonna do everything that you can to belong and to get into the tribe.

Now, this is important. So I think about this, oh my gosh, you know, when I was young, I mean, you know ladies, we’ve all been young. So I was thinking about this. I had, it was one of my first boyfriends actually, and he wanted to break up and I think, you know, he was cheating on me. I know ladies, I mean, this is how young love goes. And so I wanted him to love me. I wanted to feel accepted. I wanted, you know, all of those things. And so I remember doing like crazy things, like showing up at his house, like just really like thinking about it now I’m like, eh, not, you know, I remember this one time like leaving work in a panic because I, you know, I just again, had this urge to want one for him to love me.

But it comes from this place of belonging. If you think that you are on the outside of something, there are two ways in which we kind of handle it. So if you think that you don’t belong to a tribe or you don’t belong, you can shrink. And what I mean by that is you start to hide, you start to disconnect. Or you know, you start kind of being extra. You just start like trying to fit in. Maybe you change the way that you are or what you think, cuz you want to fit in. And it’s important to know because this is a real thing.

You’re like, Shannan, how does this relate to weight loss? Because for many of us, when you are carrying extra weight on your body, you might have some thoughts about that thin people belong and I don’t. And I know you’re like, but Shannan, I don’t think that. I really want you to ask yourself, like really ask yourself. Because I tell you, I always kind of felt like I was a little on the outside. Whenever I would see like a thin person, immediately I wanted to shrink.

Maybe I was out with my family and we were at a barbecue and I’d have shorts and a big old t-shirt on, and then some girl would show up in a little mini dress, and then suddenly I’d be like, Ugh, something’s wrong with me, right? I don’t fit in. Look, everyone here, you know, you’re at a pool or the beach and you’re like, Ugh, I don’t fit in, I don’t belong. This shows up in hundreds of different ways when it comes to what we feel about our bodies, what we think about our bodies. Maybe someone, everyone in your family is thin and you’re the only one who carries weight. Now, it is just important to know how this feeling of belonging is showing up for you.

Because again, you will do one of two things. You’re going to shrink, you’re gonna disconnect, or you’re not gonna act like yourself and be authentic, you’re gonna start to feel desperation. And then you’re gonna start creating expectations of others and start to overthink everything. We also have some thoughts around when I lose the weight. This is, I think just one of these limiting thoughts. When I lose the weight, then I will belong. And so you don’t do the things, you stay small, you shrink. You don’t go out and go after your dreams and your goals and try new things because you think, I don’t belong here. You don’t go kayaking because you’re like, I don’t know, I don’t really belong. Maybe I won’t fit.

You know all the things. Because you’re waiting to this day that you lose the weight and then, then you can do the things right, then you’ll belong, then you’ll be fine. This also shows up if you start to have some fears. If your tribe, the people that you relate to or that you’re closest to is overweight, that if you lose the weight, you won’t belong. This shows up for many of you. If I lose the weight, I’ll be different. People will think I’m different. I won’t belong. And this sense of belonging is so deep. And again, this is just how we’re wired. So understanding where it is and how it’s showing up for you is so important.

Remember so much of what I’m teaching you and so much of what I’m teaching my clients in Transform Boss is this first step of awareness. It’s the foundation of losing weight. When you understand what your thinking, what your thoughts and beliefs are, what’s guiding you. I think sometimes we just think we’re out of control. I did an episode on this recently, but I don’t think any of you, I don’t think you’re outta control. I don’t. I just think that you have these thoughts and beliefs and they’re stored in your automatic brain and they’re guiding you.

And then once you start to come in awareness, you’re like, oh, this is why. Again, it’s this awareness and just starting to come into, okay, well how does my sense of belonging show up? It can show up in relationships. Suddenly, you know, your friend’s not calling you and you’re like, oh my God, she doesn’t like me. She doesn’t wanna be my friend anymore. And then you start acting, you know, I know we’ve all done it, crazy. I mean in the greatest of ways, but still, right? We start getting like, I don’t know what the right word is, but clingy. Because we have this fear of what if they oust me from the tribe?

So maybe you think I really wanna lose your weight, right? And you’re like, Shannan, I’m trying and I’m doing the things. But you have this subconscious belief that you’re gonna lose your family or you’re gonna lose friends, or you’re gonna be ousted out of the tribe. I know. If you have this subconscious belief, maybe you’ll lose some weight, but you’ll start to gain it back. Because again, your brain’s like, Hey, we gotta get back in the tribe. We gotta get back in the tribe. So this work on your brain, your beliefs, this is what we do in Transform Boss. And it’s understanding why. Understanding how we’re wired and how it’s hindering our goals and our dreams.

So here’s my take on it. Number one, really think, ask yourself, how does this sense of belonging to a tribe, whatever tribe you’re in, you’re probably in many, how’s it showing up for you? And then number two, what are your thoughts and beliefs around belonging? Because I don’t think we ever ask ourselves that question. I didn’t. I didn’t ask. I didn’t know how it was showing up. I just knew that there were certain things. So I had friends who were overweight and who I was close to, and I had thoughts like, oh, if I become the thin one, what will that mean? And again, cuz I wanted to belong, I had thoughts about like, oh, you know, if I lose this, will my partner be attracted to me? I mean, this was many, many, many years ago, not my current husband.

And so again, just understanding how this sense of belonging is showing up for you. One, get curious. Just how’s the sense of belonging? And then what are your beliefs and thoughts? And then the third part of this is deciding what you want to believe. Because this is what I just wanna offer you. You belong, you belong. And when you start deciding like, oh, I belong. This can show up at work, right? You start like creating stories in your head about like how you don’t belong and people don’t like, you know, all the things we do. Remember our brain is gonna see what you tell it, right? It’s gonna, it’s called bias, confirmation bias. It wants to believe and give you evidence of what you think. So if you think that you don’t belong, you’re gonna start creating all sorts of stories around how you don’t belong.

So number three, decide what you want to think and then redirect your brain. Hmm, it’s good. If you don’t understand how you’re feeling and thinking, then you’ll keep searching for that magical pill or food plan. And then you’re just gonna feel frustrated. And this is what I know. The answer, the solution, it is within you. You have it. You have everything that you need. This is why I created Transform Boss. So women could feel that they belonged, that they were in a safe place where they could share and be vulnerable and be accepted.

And they could do this with women who understood what they were going through. Hmm. So good. Next week, I’m bringing Coach Jenn back. Oh, you know, our coach Jenn and me, our episodes are so good, they’re just chocked full of goodness. So join me next week with Coach Jenn. So fun. And again, if you wanna take this work deeper and really start to understand the awareness why, and then start to take simple, small steps to release the weight, to heal your relationship with food and lose weight for the last time, then check out jointransformboss.com. You can get all the information. All right my love, bye for now.

Thank you for listening to this episode of Weight Loss for Successful Women. If you love what you heard today and wanna learn more, come on over to bflycoaching.com. That’s B F L Y coaching.com. See you next week.